Change happens in the now

Hi friend,

First let me wish you a Happy New Year! 🎉 Let this year be filled with peace and joy ❤️

I’ve been noticing lately a lot of questions about the whole journey of leaving insomnia. People look for reassurance, guarantees, control over the process. And I understand them! I craved that too, all the time!

But I also learned that we often get stuck because we seem to not find that reassurance, guarantee and control – and get discouraged as a result.

“Am I there yet?”

The recovery journey is like a long tedious ride: we want to finally arrive to that place where we have peace and no struggle with sleep. So we keep asking ourselves “Am I there yet?“, “How long until I feel better?“, “How can I hurry this process up?“, “Will I ever recover?“.

These questions are natural. Everyone has them at some point of the journey. After all, it is so normal to want to feel good and sleep well! So these questions aren’t the problem, but getting lost in them and identifying with them – that’s what plays an evil joke on us.

There is one thing that unites these questions: the fact that they are always directly or indirectly connected with the future which we can’t predict.

Ask any “good“ sleeper: What’s your next night gonna look like? How long will you sleep? What emotion are you going to feel in 2 hours? What thoughts are you going to have then? No one will give definite response, because no one can predict the future.

So trying to predict the future and ensure a certain outcome makes us more anxious in the present.

And what is future or past if not a collection of many present moments squeezed together?

How can that fixation on the future look? For example:

– Trying to make sure you understand all the concepts at once. “Multitasking”

– Solving the potential problems that didn’t yet happen. E.g. worrying about sleeping on the trips when such a situation did not present itself.

– Desperately trying to get reassurance of the outcome in a certain amount of time. E.g. “I need to get better in 2 months! how can I ensure that?”

Fixation on the future takes away the opportunity to change that future through the present moment.

Change only happens in the present moment

We might ponder months and months on whether we are on the right track and how long it will take, but if we don’t deal with what we have on the plate right now, this starts to hold us back.

I fell for this trap so many times on my journey. When I struggled with sleep, I was constantly bombarded with the thoughts about my recovery, seeking reassurance and guarantees. I was impatient because each sleepless night would bring me so much suffering. So it’s not like letting go of trying to solve all the problems of tomorrow came naturally to me.

It’s okay from time to time to pause and see the process as a whole thing - where we came from and where we are going – to see that we’ve come a long way and that our hard work wasn’t for nothing. But when we get stuck in that “tomorrowland” for a long time that can create an obstacle for the journey.

But it’s possible to overcome this obstacle.

Recognize that the real change happens in the present. Every night is an opportunity to teach the brain that it is safe despite the outcome. We don’t need to do the acceptance work for all the future nights. The process happens gradually, one step at a time. And if the last night was not ideal, that doesn’t mean that today’s night is going to be the same.

✨ Each night is a blank slate where magic can happen ✨

Notice when the mind goes into the “tomorrowland“. Awareness of our current thoughts is what can help us bring clarity back and not get sucked into rumination. Once we spot a thought about the future (whether the thought is impatient, curious or fearful), we can bring it to the surface of our awareness. “Aha, I see my brain is trying to control things that haven’t yet happened.“ Don’t fight it, just see it for what it is – the brain just trying to get control over sleep.

Bring focus back on the present. Each night and each day count. Together they make up the journey. So if every night we work towards changing the perception of that very night (note: not the future ones - just that one!) – we are also preparing the soil for the future changes. If every day we are deploying self-kindness, we are teaching the brain long term too.

Disconnect the future outcome from what you are doing in the present moment. I know it’s easier said than done, but if we do all this work while deep inside still hoping to control sleep, things get tricky. So if we are trying to be self-kind and accepting of anything that comes on the journey and then after a while say: “I tried it and it didn’t work! I’m still struggling!” Was it real unconditional self-kindness? Was that real acceptance of anything? Were we 100% honest with ourselves when we did that? To walk the journey we have to be honest and sincere. When we can’t accept being awake at night, it’s much fairer and kinder to allow ourselves to not accept than trying to force or pretend to be accepting.

Some of the self-inquiry questions that can help us get back to the present:

• How can I make this particular moment a bit nicer, easier or at least less pressuring for myself?

• How can I reframe the current experience and turn it from an enemy into a friend?

• How can I take care of myself on a tough night like this?

• What is it that I really want to do (or not do) now?

• (When we feel fatigued the next day) If I didn’t have insomnia and would feel fatigue, what would make more sense to do in such situation?

• What am I not allowing myself in terms of emotions, thoughts or actions?

Hope this letter has brought some glimpse of clarity.

You might want to check out other pieces of content that might be helpful when we get stuck:

Goal setting during insomnia recovery journey

Things everyone need to know before embarking on insomnia recovery journey

How to practice acceptance if it doesn’t go easy

How to stop being a perfectionist and start sleeping again

You’ve got this ❤️

Alina

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DISCLAIMER: Not medical advice. Everything in this newsletter represents personal opinion and experience and is provided for informational purposes only. The author is not a medical doctor, psychotherapist or any other licensed professional. Any information provided by the author does not constitute and/or substitute medical, psychotherapy, counselling or any other professional advice and treatment. It is not intended to treat, cure, diagnose any medical or psychological condition or disorder. Always seek professional licensed help if you have any health concerns.