Every sleep recovery journey has setbacks (or speedbumps). But not every speedbump is the same. There are some that come and go pretty quickly without bringing too much suffering (they can still be unpleasant though). We can even start feeling empowered after we “manage” to get back on track in a reasonable time.
But when a speedbump gets suspiciously long, that’s when we start to freak out.
I remember the last few months of my journey were mostly filled with shorter, more annoying patches of poor night sleep, when anxiety wasn’t too high, nor was it non-existent. But if I had more poor nights than usual, that’s when my panic would come back to its full force.
So in one of such long speedbumps I realized the reason why I experienced these long speedbumps, and that helped me to move on.
Apart from the usual “the more we resist a speedbump the more likely it is to happen“, there is one pointer I can give to anyone who feels stuck in a longer than usual speedbump.
I noticed that when my speedbump would take unusually long, there was a certain limitation or expectation that I was imposing on myself. These imposed limitations would create inner conflict that would make me feel stuck in the loop. Finding and resolving those conflicts actually brought me clarity and peace.
So I started asking myself such questions as:
“Is there anything that isn’t allowed to me in this moment?“
“What do I not allow myself?“
“What is it that I wish could do or didn’t have to do?“
“What do I think I should or shouldn’t be doing?”
I would ponder on these questions with complete sincerity and curiosity. And eventually some answers would come.
Then, I would question those answers, see if these beliefs are true or if I have choice in that situation.
Just to give you an idea, this is how approximately my “unstucking” process looked like:
🤔 Is there anything that isn’t allowed to me in this moment?
😡 I’m not allowed to want to sleep because the more I try to sleep the less likely it comes. So I shouldn’t have that desire.
✅ But I do have that desire, so either I can keep on pretending that I don’t want that and spend the energy on that or come clean and own that desire. Because, frankly, everyone wants to sleep well, why am I not allowed?🤔 What do I not allow myself?
😡 I don’t allow myself to go to bed later. Before this speedbump, I’ve finally started to feel sleepy earlier and enjoyed being able to go to bed early. But now, I go to bed at the same time and feel frustrated.
✅ But I don’t have to go to bed at the same time. There might be some nights when I just don’t feel ready for bed at 9:30pm and that’s okay. I can go at a later hour too., even if it’s 2am”🤔 What is it that I wish could do or didn’t have to do?
😡 I wish I didn’t have to pretend to stay positive after a sleepless night. I feel frustrated and I can’t fake other emotions.
✅ Good, you don’t have to feel positive after a poor night sleep. You are allowed to feel frustration, anger, impatience. Anyone can feel crappy after a sleepless night so why are you not allowed that?”🤔 What do I think I should or shouldn’t be doing?
😡 I should stay in bed and sit through my anxiety when I can’t sleep because if I don’t embrace my emotions in bed I will forever feel scared of not sleeping.
✅ I don’t have to tolerate and sacrifice my comfort every time. It’s okay to leave bed if I don’t find it comfy in bed. I can return to bed anytime I feel like it. Getting up doesn’t mean that I have failed to accept wakefulness. All people sometimes leave their beds at night - it’s completely okay.🤔 What do I think I should or shouldn’t be doing?
😡 I shouldn’t stay in bed for too long if I can’t sleep. I’m afraid by doing so I will teach my brain to fear being in bed. I must get up!
✅ Do I always have to get up when I can’t sleep? I don’t really feel like it. I can stay in bed and to be awake at the same time - it’s totally okay.
In other words, we are looking for frictions and pressure that we unintentionally put on ourselves that made us stuck in a speedbump. Then, we question that pressure and see if a certain degree of freedom can be gained within the given circumstances. Once we feel freer, we are more likely to embrace anything what the night brings, and thus break the vicious cycle.
This is a part of a self-compassion and kindness practice that is available to us on this journey. <3
Cheers!
Alina
P.S. Also check out my latest Instagram post if you haven’t!
DISCLAIMER: Not medical advice. Everything in this newsletter and website represents personal opinion and experience and is provided for informational purposes only. The author is not a medical doctor, psychotherapist or any other licensed professional. Any information provided by the author does not constitute and/or substitute medical, psychotherapy, counselling or any other professional advice and treatment. It is not intended to treat, cure, diagnose any medical or psychological condition or disorder. Always seek professional licensed help if you have any health concerns.
When I wake up in the middle of the night, realize sleep is not coming, don’t really want to get out of bed, do you have any tips to just “rest”? Sometimes I will turn over to another position ( that I don’t usually sleep in, see if I get sleepy ques, and then try my normally position again. This leads to a lot of trying and tossing and turning. Would you recommend I just lay in bed with 0 expectations to doze again that night? For example, I typically sleep on my stomach, if sleep doesn’t come, but I don’t want to get out of bed, should I just rest for the remainder of the night in a comfy, but non sleep position? And kind of just accept that I’m awake and not try again? Kind of like stimulus control. But instead of getting out of the bed and then returning when you feel “tired”, you accept you are awake, take a break in your non sleep position and then try again?
“ the more I try to sleep the less likely it comes” Truest words I’ve ever heard. 😅 great take on this💯