The day after a rough night is one big pickle. As great as it is in theory, the advice to enjoy our day no matter how we slept has its own caveats.
As we decide to enjoy our days and to shift the focus away from sleep, we might find ourselves unintentionally thinking about the end goal, which is sleep. And that hidden goal makes any activity less joyful and increases the suspense.
Understanding why we keep being focused on sleep while trying to enjoy something can help see things clearer. You see, when the brain is convinced there is a threat on the horizon (a threat of not sleeping), it will automatically send us the “warning” signals we call hyperarousal. It can be: emotions, physical sensations and even thoughts. And since these thoughts are automatic, we didn’t actually choose to have them and we don’t have direct control over them. As long as the brain sees the possible danger, it will keep sending those signals.
So sometimes, when we try to have fun because we think we are supposed to do something fun can create a counter effect, making that activity a well-hidden sleep effort. The keyword here is “being supposed to” which implies a certain degree of pressure: “I am supposed to do something nice but I am not really enjoying this. Thus I must be doing something wrong!” See the pressure created from the expectations?
And just like any other emotion, joy and pleasure can’t be directly controlled. Meaning that we can’t force ourselves to enjoy something. So to work with this catch 22 we can’t really keep trying to control something we can’t control anyway. I find that being honest with ourselves is the path to less pressure.
Hyperarousal is a signal and when we try to mute that signal and mask it with some “fun” activity, that signal can intensify - this is why we keep focusing on sleep even if technically we are doing a ‘fun’ activity.
But when we begin to listen to that signal the brain sees: “aha, my warning signs have been received, the hyperarousal completed its purpose!” and eventually backs off. So how can we listen to those signals?
Sometimes acknowledging the fact that sleep thoughts are there and that they have the right to be as long as it is needed is enough to feel less pressure. So for example, while watching TV we are visited by a ‘sleep’ thought, we can just go like: “yeah yeah I hear you, thanks for warning me” and continue doing what were were doing!
And if the thoughts get too sticky and emotionally heavy, we can ask ourselves: “do I still want to watch TV?” and maybe we can dial down on pursuing joy if it doesn’t come easy. Instead we can do something that feels less pressuring (which doesn’t have to be anything extraordinary).
See you next week!
Ali
P.S. I launched a new format of 1-1 support – The Dialogues. It is an on-going email-based communication with me where you can ask as many questions as you want, have someone you can share your journey with and who can give you an encouragement you need. More info