Can't accept feeling terrible after not sleeping
In my recent 1-1 calls, I've noticed a recurring concern that many of us share:
🤔 “I don’t think I am afraid of wakefulness itself, I think I’m pretty fine with being awake at night. But what really scares me is the way I feel after that sleepless night. I can’t accept the depression, fatigue and anxiety that sky rocket on those days.”
I get that and I fully agree that it’s nearly impossible to accept such suffering. But I hope that what I’m about to share with you will be helpful.
Indeed, fear extends beyond the mere act of being awake. If that were the only concern, people would fear daytime wakefulness as well. From my perspective, the fear isn't just about being awake but rather about the meaning we attach to that wakefulness.
One of the most common meanings we give to wakefulness is “Being awake at night means that tomorrow will be a complete disaster, I will feel terrible.”
Side note:
There are other meanings we can attach to wakefulness, and I might talk about them another time:
Being awake at night means that there is something wrong with me, that I am weird, broken, not like “normal“ people.
Being awake at night means that I can’t enjoy my hobbies or travel.
Being awake at night means I will never have a dream job because I will definitely screw up after a sleepless night and will get fired.
Being awake at night means I will for sure have some awful health issues in the future.
Being awake at night means that I will lose my family and friends because no one would love me when I feel like crap.
Challenging the meaning
There is no doubt that some sleepless nights, maybe the majority of them, do feel tough the next day. I’m really sorry if you’ve been struggling with this so much. Your experience is valid ❤️.
However, the mind tends it add a layer of its own interpretations which adds the weight to the situation. Compare these two statements:
👉 “I am tired and sad today.“
👉 “I am tired and sad today, and that’s not okay. I shouldn’t feel that way. This shouldn’t have happened to me. I’m a failure and I will never get out of this.“
Sometimes we don’t always spot that emotional add-on, it just comes in a package with feeling tired and sad. But that subtle extra layer creates the suffering. By sticking to the same interpretations over and over, we carry our worries and disappointments into the next nights, creating a perfect vicious cycle that keeps us stuck in the insomnia loop.
I know, right now you’re probably thinking:
🤔 “How the hell am I going to remove that extra interpretation if this experience has been nothing but a horror? There is no evidence for me to think otherwise.”
So let’s start collecting that evidence!
“Yes-and” approach
When we don’t challenge our interpretations, we often find ourselves in the “yes-but” situation. Whatever the suggestion or fresh perspective comes our way, it’s going to meet our BUT.
🧠 “Yes, I know it’s ok to feel tired, but I can’t do anything else when I feel it.”
Where can we go from there? I don’t know. 🤷♀️
“Yes-but” is a dead-end street, and it’s going to keep our journey stuck. However, when “Yes-but” is replaced with “Yes-and”, things start to change.
When we acknowledge our genuine feelings of tiredness and sadness, along with our heartfelt desire to feel better, we face reality without pretending or deceiving ourselves. This honest acknowledgment can take away a huge bulk of pressure!
And from that place, we can start exploring ways to respond to it in a manner that feels supportive without unnecessary drama. And that’s where progress happens! In tiny changes in our responses.
👉 “YES, I am tired, AND if necessary, I will allow myself some rest during the day.”
👉 “YES, I am upset AND I am going to respect that feeling today. I don't need to force positivity; I'll simply be with what is and explore how I can be more supportive.“
👉 “YES, I’m low-energy today AND, and I'll do my best within the limits of my capacity for this day.“
The "Yes-and" approach to our feelings allows us to face reality and explore how we can play the cards we've been dealt. Often, we discover that, even in the face of discomfort, there are actions we can take – perhaps modest on a given day. The initial belief that "It's going to be a disaster" gradually shifts towards a more resilient perspective: "It may be tough, but I'll be alright."
Break it into percentages
Now, let me normalize low-productivity days, guys.
Think about yourself before insomnia – were you consistently 100% productive every single day? Have there been days or even weeks when your output was just "meh"? If you're a gym fan, has your performance always been stable?
Now, think about nature: does it perpetually grow and bloom, or does it experience periods of dormancy? I have a big collection of houseplants in my apartment, and despite my best care, there's always something yellowing, browning, or even dying. It's just the natural course of things.
We all have our good days and bad days.
During insomnia, our mind convinces us that we have to be in our best shape every single day, and anything less than that is a terrible, terrible thing. So we judge our daily performance and capacity in comparison to our best days which creates so much frustration when we aren’t reaching that bar.
Also, let’s be honest: insomnia is an emotionally draining experience and having lower energy levels on average is completely expected. This “new normal” is temporary though, but accepting it as a “new normal” for now can really help.
👉 What if it were perfectly okay to have less than 100% capacity in our inner powerbank? What if we could show up with whatever percentage we have on any given day?
I've discovered that allowing my "best" to be any percentage was incredibly liberating. Truly, any percentage is acceptable. Some days, our best might be at 60%, while on others, it could be as low as 20%. In a week, it might spike to 80%, and occasionally, it could be as little as 1%. And that's okay – every number is workable.
🧠 “Accepting 1% productivity day? That’s crazy!!”
Accepting low-percentage days doesn't mean committing to a lifetime of 1% performance. Our energy levels fluctuate not only from day to day but even from hour to hour. We might begin the day with minimal capacity, where the only tasks that seem feasible are taking a shower and, perhaps, making a bed. However, by noon, things could remarkably improve.
Embracing this wide range of possibilities frees us from the pressure to extract 100% from a 20% day. In doing so, we conserve energy and, rather than draining ourselves, we begin to recharge.
Lowering expectations for ourselves can significantly reduce the pressure we feel that day. This, in turn, becomes a liberating experience, sending a signal to the brain: "The day after a sleepless night doesn't have to be the end of the world! You can navigate it and survive with any feelings that may be there." This shift in mindset begins to dissolve the extra interpretations we attach to wakefulness, making it feel less and less intimidating.
If you found this letter useful, let me know by giving it ❤️
Will see you next time!
Alina