I want to share a reminder with you—a reminder and a clarification.
When I first started sharing my know-how on insomnia recovery, I sometimes used phrases like “...letting go of the desire...”. After writing about it for around 3 years, that formulation has changed because I realized that I used this word in the wrong way. I no longer use the word “desire” as something that needs to be let go of or dropped. In fact, I see it as a positive force in recovery. I’ll tell you why.
I certainly came to realize that we need to drop the pressure and urge on us to sleep because it is counterproductive. And my whole recovery journey was about how to drop the pressure, but beyond that, I had the desire to get to the root of this, to change, to get better.
If I didn’t have that overarching desire, it probably would have been very difficult to motivate myself to keep learning, keep getting up after every fall.
There was always a feeling in me: “This isn’t how I want my life to be.“ Thank god for that!
So if you’ve been feeling bad for having the desire to overcome insomnia, this letter is for you.
And I'm here to tell you that you don’t have to get rid of that desire. You don’t have to stop wanting to get better. In fact, it’s not even reasonable to remove it.
But it makes sense to draw a line between what’s good to keep and what’s good to drop.
Desire vs. insistence
Now I see this so much clearer! The problem I had in my recovery wasn’t due to the desire to overcome suffering but because I was insisting on how exactly I should stop suffering.
Let’s honestly ask ourselves: What do we really want from recovery?
At first, we might say: I want 8 hours of sleep, I want not to wake up at night, I want to fall asleep in no time, I want to feel refreshed in the morning, I want to be able to fall asleep anytime, anywhere. But is it really just about that?
So many people told me that on their journey, they started sleeping better but they didn’t feel better. The emotional suffering was present despite meeting set requirements.
What do we really want?
Here is what my honest answer was:
I want peace of mind, I want freedom, I want ease, I want not to exert so much effort.
Perhaps, if you look inside, you might find similar desires. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. They are so pure and natural!
The problem arises when our mind creates a roadmap of how we should fulfill those desires.
👉 “I will gain peace of mind only when I manage to sleep 8 hours every night.”
👉 “I will be free only when I have rock-solid confidence that I can sleep every single night.”
👉 “I will no longer try hard to sleep when I ensure my sleep isn’t interrupted.”
All of these HOWs – though created in response to natural desires – aren’t really desires themselves. These are insistences, the shoulds, the pressure.
“So does it mean that wanting to sleep 8 hours is wrong?”
Not really. What we are talking about is the insistences, but we are allowed to have preferences. So it’s absolutely ok to have a preferred way of fulfilling the desire, without insisting on it.
I believe that we don’t really choose our desires and preferences. When we desire something, then we desire it; if we like something, then we like it. There is no crime whatsoever.
So we don’t have to suppress that underlying force that wants a change, nor do we have to pretend like we don’t have preferences. It’s good to acknowledge and accept them. But along with that acceptance, we need to be very mindful of the insistences our mind creates.
How to find insistences
The way to spot those insistences is relatively simple: look for the shoulds.
👉 “I shouldn’t sleep less than 7 hours.”
👉 “I shouldn’t wake up at night.”
👉 “I should be much better by now.”
👉 “The recovery should be fast for me.”
Holding onto insistences cuts off other avenues that would allow us to come closer to the place where we want to be. It creates a perfectionistic and all-or-nothing view of recovery which simply doesn’t help.
When you find your shoulds, look into how you can soften them. Turn them into mere preferences, but not demands:
👉 “I shouldn’t sleep less than 7 hours.”
❤️ “Sleeping 7+ hours would be definitely sweet, but even getting less than that isn’t the end of the world. I can still do meaningful things despite that.”
👉 “I shouldn’t wake up at night.”
❤️ “While I’m not a fan of nighttime awakenings, if I do wake up, it’s a bummer but I’m going to be alright. Sleep can still happen after that, even if it takes me a while. That’s ok too.”
👉 “I should be much better by now.”
❤️ “I would love to control my recovery process, it’s a pity that isn’t in my power, but I can choose how I show up to the experiences this process brings and let the rest unfold.”
👉 “The recovery should be fast for me.”
❤️ “Sometimes my recovery pace goes faster, sometimes slower. There is no universal law that requires me to move fast. I can take as much time as I need.”
Don’t insist on removing all insistences
The principle of dropping insistences applies to the process of dropping insistences. A paradox! Forget about being perfect, you don’t have to be perfect to proceed.
In fact, nearly for all people on this path, it will take time to turn insistence into just preference. It will not happen all at once. It’s going to be very, very gradual, with lots of moments when we keep insisting on things.
We need to go through several iterations of changing the way we relate to our experiences, and it’s expected that at first, the mind is going to be very reluctant to change. Don’t insist that it must change instantly, allow it as much time as it needs.
If you found this letter helpful, give it a ❤️ and subscribe to this newsletter if you haven’t yet! Also, share it with others who might benefit from it. 😊
See you next time!
Alina
I appreciate the more recent newsletter with examples and statements. It helps to put in perspective and practice these ways.
Hi Alina, do u know what?? What u describe is REBT!! Do u know Albert Ellis, perhaps the most important psychologist ever lived? Check him out - u just discovered the same thing! See for example. his famous book „How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything, yes anything.“