First we jump, then we learn how to swim

Hi friend,

I know that lately my newsletters have been more irregular than before and I think I want to keep it more flexible. I would still try to keep posting on Tuesdays, but if you happen to receive a letter on any other day, just know that it’s normal :)

Let’s go!

I have been noticing two types of mindsets that happen on the insomnia recovery path: the doer’s mindset and the theoriser’s mindset. And I think it can be good to talk about them.

🪓 Doers tend to easily jump to putting principles into practice. They don’t wait for clear instructions, they just play with the knowledge and see what happens. They put things into practice, make mistakes (or not) and then learn from them. They often have amazing insights, but they also can make a lot of “wrong“ turns before they arrive at some fascinating findings. They are usually the ones who first get into the water and then learn to swim there.

💭 Theorisers, on the other hand, are the ones who focus of trying to nail their understanding of the issue and the approach. In discussions, they often focus on whether the general approach makes sense and whether they get it right. I also notice that they are more prone to assurance seeking: “Tell me that it’s going to work before I start. I need to be sure”, and they often find themselves in situations like: “I understand everything logically, but I am not sure whether it is going to work on me.“

As with many things, there is rarely a pure form of one mindset in one person. Sometimes it is a ratio and sometimes we can be 100% a theoriser and in a couple of weeks we are full-on doers. So things are fluid and not rigid.

Also don’t think that it is bad to be a theoriser and that we should always be the doers. I have been in both places myself and both mindsets have advantages and disadvantages.

Pros and cons

🪓 Doers often move quite fast on the journey, but sometimes they can quickly fall for the mind’s tricks to do an effort. So their paths tends to be more dynamic, with ups and downs. They might easily jump to “doing” but sometimes might not always spot that what they are doing is actually an effort to force sleep. They may experience a rocky night and the next thing they are trying another approach to fix that.

💭 Theorisers, on the other hand, try to make the theory solid in their minds first. They wait a bit with the implementation, until they make sure that this is the exact direction they want to go - which is totally reasonable! But when stuck in this place for a long time, the theorising hits its limits. There is only that much to learn, the rest is up to practice.

So what to do when we catch ourselves in one or the other type of mindset?

Dealing with these mindsets

First of all, if your current mindset makes sense to you at this particular moment, there is nothing that actually needs to be done! Keep at it if it benefits you :)

Doers

If you feel like you have the capacity to put things into practice and learn while you do it - then it is actually wonderful! You are onto some huge discoveries!

The only thing to be mindful of is the urge when things aren’t going super great – it can get very tempting to fix this. Often that temptation is nothing more but the desire of the brain to control the situation. Simple awareness of this tendency of the brain can dispel the mind’s tricks. Plus, our capacity to deploy courage might get exhausted, and it is okay, it is normal. Taking things slow and focusing more on self-care and compassion can help us get through the tough times.

Theorisers

If you feel you aren’t ready to put things into practice, that’s totally fine. We don’t have to force anything. Seek support and encouragement if you need it. Once you get enough capacity to make the “jump“, you will do it, prepared!

But be mindful of walking in circles. I often see people stuck on discussing the meta level of things or simply stay on the surface, but when it comes to discussing whether they experienced the knowledge in practice they tend to avoid going into details.

Sometimes we can spot one or the other mindset based on the questions we ask.

Doers’ questions tend to get more detailed and personalised:
🤔“I noticed that when I do this, I see my mind doing that. Why does it happen?“
🤔“As I lie in bed, sometimes I’m not sure whether I am forcing myself to be there or I am actually enjoying it. How can I tell the difference?“
🤔Last night I tried to adopt this attitude, but noticed increasing frustration, what could that be, and how can I move past that?

Theorisers’ questions are more broad and unspecific, they resemble google search queries and tend to stay at this level for a longer time:
🤔“I understand the theory, but still, how do I stop worrying about sleep?“
🤔“I tried to accept my thoughts but it didn’t work, how do I get rid of them??“
🤔“If I accept this will I never experience a speed bump again?“

Those who tend to get stuck in the theoriser’s mindset tend to get easily discouraged and seek assurance and persuasion, which they can’t always get - because soo many things aren’t in our control! And a lot of frustration can come out of it.

To switch from this mindset, I find it helpful to realize that you are the only one who is responsible for yourself and for your journey. The knowledge, as great as it can be, will not do the miracles. It can support us, for sure, but without actually getting into the water and seeing it for ourselves, we won’t get the real aha-moments, which are truly ours. We won’t discover how amazing our body actually is and that it got our backs even if we are worrying. We won’t truly see that we don’t have to be afraid of a sleepless night in order to have a nice day. We won’t realize that we can live our normal life already, while the journey goes on.

There is a lot of doubt the mind creates and the only way to see through that doubt and dissolve it is to see it from the actual experience.

But I know it can be scary to get into the water. But the good news is, you don’t have to do it alone! You can find support among your family, friends, someone who’s gone through the same what you are going through, psychotherapy, recovery communities, etc.

Let me know if you liked this letter by giving it a like <3 . But also don’t forget to subscribe if you still haven’t :)

See you!

Ali