How to practice "befriending wakefulness"

Hi friend ❤️

The most effective way I know to resolve the insomnia paradox is to start spending our nighttime wakefulness differently. In a way that doesn’t involve pressure to get the ideal result or subtle manipulative tactics to trick ourselves into falling and remaining asleep.

This idea, though very simple, is often met with some amount of skepticism and resistance from the brain. Naturally, because the brain can be deeply convinced that being awake at night is an imminent threat to our existence.

So it often happens that even if this concept makes sense to some extent, there is still uncertainty towards choosing to spend wakefulness differently, thinking:

🤔 “I don’t mind doing this and this instead of trying hard to sleep, but I’m afraid if I choose to do that at night, I will stay awake forever. I can see how I can keep doing this activity for the whole night and sleep never coming to me.”

Have you ever had this concern? I did, and so I want to expand a little bit on this to help you better understand this principle and perhaps not be afraid of it.

Understanding “befriending wakefulness” in insomnia recovery

For simplicity, I will refer to this principle as befriending wakefulness, a term coined by Daniel Erichsen. What I essentially mean by that is simply choosing a different, non-anxious response to our experiences at night – whether it is wakefulness itself or any reaction that arises in response to wakefulness.

A common misunderstanding is thinking that befriending wakefulness means deliberately choosing not to sleep.

Some people find a lot of friction with that because they think that befriending wakefulness takes away a precious opportunity to get some sleep. They view this principle as a forceful act of keeping one awake against their true desire to get some sleep. When we look at it this way, no wonder we hate the idea.

But that’s not what this principle is about.

Befriending wakefulness isn’t to be used as a way to deprive ourselves of sleep and further torture ourselves with having to think of “fun“ or “exciting” activities for some elusive hope in the future.

Befriending wakefulness is an alternative, pressure-less way to fill in the time before sleep comes.

Why it matters

When we are awake at night, we have no control over when and how we fall asleep, and that’s a fact we need to accept if we want to quit this paradox.

So, it doesn’t really matter what we do or how we spend that time; no activity or inactivity will directly create sleep. That’s our bodies’ job.

We can fill that wakeful gap with whatever we want.

👉 We can fill it with lots of efforts to induce sleep and try to trick our brains into falling asleep. I don’t judge these choices because I myself have spent a lot of time unconsciously choosing them over and over. These are valid choices, however, they don’t bring sleep any closer (in fact they scare it away), and they make our nights a living hell, because no one enjoys exerting so much effort with no return on investment.

👉 We also have a choice to bring wakefulness on board and start looking for ways to make it as comfortable, friendly and non-pressuring as possible. Filling our wakeful hours with these activities also doesn’t create sleep (nothing external does), however, they have the power to change our perspective on a night, which is the starting point of recovery.

So when we start choosing a different way to spend wakefulness, we begin to change our mental image of a wakeful night. And a different mental image evokes a different feeling in us. When we know that a wakeful night can be spent in quite a cozy way, there is less to protect us from and so our fear of wakefulness begins to turn off.

Overlooked nuances of befriending wakefulness

🤔 “Okay, but when I do something I like, I keep myself awake. So how am I resolving my insomnia?”

And here is the beauty: you don’t have to force yourself doing the same thing for the rest of the night. You can choose to do whatever you like and at any moment you like, including not doing anything at all! You can also choose to return to bed whenever you want. Well, you can even befriend wakefulness while staying in bed – if that’s your preference!

Remember, by befriending wakefulness we are not intentionally depriving ourselves of a possibility of sleep. We very much acknowledge it, because sleep can still happen, but we don’t insist on it to happen in a certain way and at a certain time.

We just choose comfort over effort, if we find ourselves awake.

Since our brains have been conditioned to fear wakefulness, as it happens during chronic insomnia, when this fear is activated, it often leads to involuntary wakefulness anyway. Why not use this time in a way that teaches the brain to fear it less and thus decondition this response, instead of increasing the fear?

Final Insights

• Don’t let the word “befriending” fool you. Befriending doesn't mean that you should like or prefer being awake at night. You can maintain your preference and desire for sleep while demonstrating to your brain that being awake isn't an enemy either.

• You don’t have to look for “fun“ or “joyful“ things to do (although if it comes naturally, why not!). The bar can be lower, somewhere between comfort and non-pressure.

• If you would really like to do something enjoyable but are concerned it might be energizing, don't worry. Even if it results in more wakefulness in the short term, fundamentally, it helps rewire the brain to be more comfortable with wakefulness, which ultimately resolves the fear of it. You don’t have to do this every night or all night long, but knowing that wakefulness can be pleasant too is beneficial.

If you found this helpful, please like this post or share it with someone who might benefit from it. Your support is greatly appreciated ❤️

See you next time!