Two "tricks" to unlock acceptance
Hi there,
It’s been a few weeks since my last letter and I hope you had wonderful Christmas and New Year holidays ❤️✨.
I want to make the first letter of the year about 2 small insights I thought about yesterday which might make it easier to implement one of the central principles in insomnia recovery – acceptance.
If you are new to this newsletter and have no idea why we talk about acceptance in the context of insomnia recovery, here is a couple of older articles that can shed some light on that.
These insights are something like small tricks (although I don’t really like to use this word much) that can help us unlock that accepting state. But just be mindful to not use them to control your emotions or the outcome of the night as it may quickly become the opposite of acceptance.
Insight 1: add the word “now“
There is a very subtle misunderstanding that happens when “trying” to be accepting. It’s an idea that by accepting the current situation we also sign up for the permanence of it.
So when we tell ourselves “I accept a sleepless night“, the brain secretly adds “…and the fact that I will never have a better night“ and it might freak out from such “acceptance“.
Or “I allow myself to be anxious“ and the hidden add-on is “…and I accept to be anxious for the rest of my life.“
This second part is often a lie created by the brain (who tends to think catastrophically) and it has nothing to do with reality. When undetected, this second part can block our acceptance. Because who would sign up for a lifelong suffering? There is no need for such sacrifices.
I found that a little word such as “now” is a helpful clarification of what it is that we are accepting, and it can help us ease resistance in the present moment.
👉 “I’m having a tough night right now, and it’s okay.”
Meaning: “This is what my night looks like now, and I can’t do much about it currently, but it doesn’t mean that future nights won’t get better.”
👉 “Right now there is worry inside me, and I’ll allow it.”
Meaning: “Currently, I am anxious and there is nothing wrong with that. I’m not enjoying this feeling, but I’ll allow it right now, just as I allow a possibility of peace in the future.”
👉 "I’m not in an accepting mood right now, and that’s fine.”
Meaning: “I wish I could be more accepting right now, but I can’t find that in me now, so I’m gonna give myself a break. Acceptance can still become more available to me in the future.”
So we make peace with what’s right in front of us, but we make no commitment to feel a certain emotion or have a certain experience in the future. Because we can’t predict what that future will look like anyway, so why cement ourselves in one of the millions of possible outcomes!
We can also say that the acceptance of the present moment includes the acceptance of changeability of this moment in the future. “This too, shall pass.“
Insight 2: Making acceptance less demanding
Another misconception we tend to have is that acceptance negates our true desires and preferences. Like a strict parent who forces you to finish your food even though you don’t want to eat anymore. This isn’t helpful.
True acceptance is gentle and flexible. It’s all-encompassing and doesn’t create additional un-acceptance.
So gentle acceptance is the one where you accept your preferences, but don’t insist that things unfold the way you think they “should”. Does it make sense?
👉 “It would be lovely if I fell asleep smoothly tonight, but I don’t insist that this night will be exactly as I want.”
👉 “It would be great to not feel anxious, but I don’t insist that my brain stays calm all the time.”
👉 “I’d love to sleep uninterruptedly throughout the night, but it doesn’t have to happen exactly this way.”
In the first part we accept that we do have desires and favourite outcomes – nothing is wrong with that! But the second part acknowledges our limited control in those areas allowing things to fall into place organically in their own time. Practicing acceptance this way can help reduce the inner conflict between reality and ourselves.
Remember, we still allow a favourable outcome to happen (this possibility is never off the table) but don’t insist that it has to happen.
Hope this letter brought to you some fresh ideas and perspectives that can assist you on your journey. Thank you for being with me another year ❤️. And I wish your year 2024 to be full of joy, self-discoveries and profound learning.
If you enjoyed this letter, give it a ❤️, and I’ll see you next time!
Alina
Thank you Alina, this is the one I needed to read today:)