Hi friend!
Recovering from insomnia was tough for me due to constant self-doubt and self-criticism. I’m sure it’s also a problem for many others, so I thought I would address that today.
During the journey, I learned a lot about what it means to be kind and compassionate to myself, and it was a game-changer for me. However, I’m still exploring that aspect, even beyond insomnia.
Sure, a significant part of the recovery process involves changing our relationship with sleep and wakefulness and challenging our fears. To achieve that, we need to expose ourselves to experiences that are uncomfortable and from which we are trying to escape. But we can’t efficiently do that if we are constantly criticizing ourselves for any minor (or major) slip.
So what does it mean to be kind to yourself?
Two forms of kindness
Self-kindness is a somewhat elusive concept that is challenging to describe in just one sentence. If you find it difficult to grasp, know that you are not alone. I'll try to share my perspective on this, and let's see how it unfolds.
To me, there are two predominant forms of self-kindness:
Kindness as gentleness
This form of kindness can soften the edges of our experiences with insomnia. It’s about allowing and accepting.
For instance,
allowing myself to feel frustrated when I felt like it,
allowing myself to spend an extra hour in a cozy bed in the morning,
allowing myself to make mistakes and rest when I need to.
Gentle kindness served as the antidote to the constant pressure of the rules and ideals regarding how we “should” feel, think, and act on our recovery. Giving a metaphorical middle finger to all of that and simply choosing oneself and choosing comfort was one of the most liberating aspects of my journey.
I finally felt safe in my own skin, even when I felt anxious or angry at times. Who cares if I choose to sleep in? Who cares if I'm not so positive after a rough night? Paradoxically, removing the pressure of "shoulds" allowed me to relax more and embrace any nights – which eventually led to easier sleep.
For a long time, my sole idea of self-kindness was of that nature.
However.
Our clever brain can infiltrate such a concept too. And here’s what I mean:
Have you ever felt that you offer yourself too much comfort to the point where it’s not helpful? When it feels like nothing is changing and you are just indulging in the same behaviors and the same mood? Has it felt that despite having no pressure at all, you aren’t feeling any better? That might be a call for a different type of self-kindness.
Kindness as a loving nudge
I also refer to it as a loving kick in the butt. When gentle kindness morphs into apathy and disengagement, it defeats the purpose of kindness. It becomes another escape route from confronting our fears and keeps us stuck.
Power without softness and softness without empowerment – both can be unhelpful.
Sometimes, we do need a nudge, even if it is uncomfortable. Choosing to embark on that trip we’ve been avoiding, applying for a job we desire, or attending a dinner party and accepting the possibility that we might end up sleeping less. But that nudge needs to originate not from a place of self-hatred, but from a place of love.
I like to think of practicing self-kindness as self-parenting. As a loving parent to yourself, you want yourself to be happy and comfortable, but you also want to thrive and grow, and sometimes, that means being firm with yourself. Loving, yet firm.
So, when to use which type of self-kindness?
I don’t have the exact answer; I'm still exploring this topic for myself. However, I want to share this:
We have both options available at all times. By choosing one, we don’t have to reject the other.
We can aim at committing to changing our perceptions and responses while being gentle and compassionate when things don’t go perfectly. This way, we can continue to choose life over insomnia, acquainting ourselves with discomfort, thus teaching the brain to feel safe. And, there will always be a “safety net” in the form of gentle kindness to catch us when we slip or get stuck (and that happens from time to time!).
I hope this was helpful, but I’m genuinely curious to know your perspective on self-kindness. If you have any insights to share, please feel absolutely free to write them in the comments. This way, we can all learn from each other ❤️
Take care,
Alina
Hi Alina, very interesting take on these two-types of self-kindness! My idea of self-kindness is very similar to the kindness as gentleness you described, i.e. allowing and accepting our experience without punishing ourselves when this doesn’t come easy. I would (controversially) argue that with such a definition, this type of kindness is all we need to get to a place of peace in our insomnia recovery. I’ll try to explain what I mean. Fear of sleeplessness/wakefulness is one of those fears we can’t hide from because we are forced to be face to face with it every night (and even day), it’s not so much that we can decide when to face it or not, because if we try to escape it it gets stronger. This is why having a kind and gentle mindset and allowing our experience to unfold without too much judgment and resistance is such a game-changer. When we don’t add extra pressure on ourselves we learn to befriend this fear much faster. Removing extra pressure and showing ourselves comfort will slowly chip away at insomnia until there are no more ‘layers’ of pressure left. Now comes the part where the brain ‘infiltrates’ this idea. In my opinion, it is not so much that self-kindness has reached its dead-end, because if we would truly feel comfortable and without apparent pressure there wouldn’t be any struggle. I think when we feel stuck in this case it’s because some self-criticism reappeared that slowly added new pressure, maybe because we feel we put too much of our lives on hold, we would love to go on that trip or take a new position at work, so we feel discouraged and frustrated with ourselves. If someone would truly be satisfied with staying in their comfort zone there wouldn’t be a problem. But most humans typically want to grow and strive for greater things. That’s when the second type of kindness as in loving nudge comes in handy, where we now can decide to show courage, go ahead with our plans and face the remaining fears that prevent us from living our lives as we want.
If we want to give an analogy, the first type of kindness helps us learn how to swim in our own pool, the second one helps us learn how to swim in the open sea.
Wow Alina, I love this perspective! It is so thoughtful and helpful. “Power without softness and softness without empowerment – both can be unhelpful.” I can absolutely see where I’ve fallen into both of these scenarios. I’m starting to feel that recovery is a continuous process and touches so many different aspects of life, regardless of sleep. Thank you for your brilliant work! 🙏🏼🩵