Hi friend! Recovering from insomnia was tough for me due to constant self-doubt and self-criticism. I’m sure it’s also a problem for many others, so I thought I would address that today. During the journey, I learned a lot about what it means to be kind and compassionate to myself, and it was a game-changer for me. However, I’m still exploring that aspect, even beyond insomnia.
Hi Alina, very interesting take on these two-types of self-kindness! My idea of self-kindness is very similar to the kindness as gentleness you described, i.e. allowing and accepting our experience without punishing ourselves when this doesn’t come easy. I would (controversially) argue that with such a definition, this type of kindness is all we need to get to a place of peace in our insomnia recovery. I’ll try to explain what I mean. Fear of sleeplessness/wakefulness is one of those fears we can’t hide from because we are forced to be face to face with it every night (and even day), it’s not so much that we can decide when to face it or not, because if we try to escape it it gets stronger. This is why having a kind and gentle mindset and allowing our experience to unfold without too much judgment and resistance is such a game-changer. When we don’t add extra pressure on ourselves we learn to befriend this fear much faster. Removing extra pressure and showing ourselves comfort will slowly chip away at insomnia until there are no more ‘layers’ of pressure left. Now comes the part where the brain ‘infiltrates’ this idea. In my opinion, it is not so much that self-kindness has reached its dead-end, because if we would truly feel comfortable and without apparent pressure there wouldn’t be any struggle. I think when we feel stuck in this case it’s because some self-criticism reappeared that slowly added new pressure, maybe because we feel we put too much of our lives on hold, we would love to go on that trip or take a new position at work, so we feel discouraged and frustrated with ourselves. If someone would truly be satisfied with staying in their comfort zone there wouldn’t be a problem. But most humans typically want to grow and strive for greater things. That’s when the second type of kindness as in loving nudge comes in handy, where we now can decide to show courage, go ahead with our plans and face the remaining fears that prevent us from living our lives as we want.
If we want to give an analogy, the first type of kindness helps us learn how to swim in our own pool, the second one helps us learn how to swim in the open sea.
Wow Alina, I love this perspective! It is so thoughtful and helpful. “Power without softness and softness without empowerment – both can be unhelpful.” I can absolutely see where I’ve fallen into both of these scenarios. I’m starting to feel that recovery is a continuous process and touches so many different aspects of life, regardless of sleep. Thank you for your brilliant work! 🙏🏼🩵
Hi Alina, very interesting take on these two-types of self-kindness! My idea of self-kindness is very similar to the kindness as gentleness you described, i.e. allowing and accepting our experience without punishing ourselves when this doesn’t come easy. I would (controversially) argue that with such a definition, this type of kindness is all we need to get to a place of peace in our insomnia recovery. I’ll try to explain what I mean. Fear of sleeplessness/wakefulness is one of those fears we can’t hide from because we are forced to be face to face with it every night (and even day), it’s not so much that we can decide when to face it or not, because if we try to escape it it gets stronger. This is why having a kind and gentle mindset and allowing our experience to unfold without too much judgment and resistance is such a game-changer. When we don’t add extra pressure on ourselves we learn to befriend this fear much faster. Removing extra pressure and showing ourselves comfort will slowly chip away at insomnia until there are no more ‘layers’ of pressure left. Now comes the part where the brain ‘infiltrates’ this idea. In my opinion, it is not so much that self-kindness has reached its dead-end, because if we would truly feel comfortable and without apparent pressure there wouldn’t be any struggle. I think when we feel stuck in this case it’s because some self-criticism reappeared that slowly added new pressure, maybe because we feel we put too much of our lives on hold, we would love to go on that trip or take a new position at work, so we feel discouraged and frustrated with ourselves. If someone would truly be satisfied with staying in their comfort zone there wouldn’t be a problem. But most humans typically want to grow and strive for greater things. That’s when the second type of kindness as in loving nudge comes in handy, where we now can decide to show courage, go ahead with our plans and face the remaining fears that prevent us from living our lives as we want.
If we want to give an analogy, the first type of kindness helps us learn how to swim in our own pool, the second one helps us learn how to swim in the open sea.
Wow Alina, I love this perspective! It is so thoughtful and helpful. “Power without softness and softness without empowerment – both can be unhelpful.” I can absolutely see where I’ve fallen into both of these scenarios. I’m starting to feel that recovery is a continuous process and touches so many different aspects of life, regardless of sleep. Thank you for your brilliant work! 🙏🏼🩵