It’s a never-ending question for anyone who’s already embarked upon the insomnia recovery journey.
At first, we realize that the behavior to protect sleep is something that perpetuates the problem. Without a direct touch with reality, with fears, we might never break the chain.
I remember the first time I got sick and tired of that constant look for comfort and safety and decided to confront my fears.
I could feel my brain giving me ideas on what to do to sleep, and I would go abruptly: “No! No more running, no more negotiations with the fear. If I’m going to be awake tonight, then let it be my own will!“
And then, I would drink two cups of coffee or stare at the blue “unhealthy“ light from the monitor.
“Bring it on, b**ch!” :)
That gave me so much strength and brought back the sense of agency and the knowing that I own my nights. And no insomnia is gonna boss me around.
And sleep started coming despite all my “wrong“ behavior. I was genuinely sick and tired of being scared and willing to face a sleepless night on my conditions.
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Then there was a time when that fearless crude energy stopped giving me strength. My brain got used to the fact that I sleep when I act with courage. Courage reached its limits and became an effort.
I was pushing myself to the edge and felt defeated, sleepless, and even more trapped. I did all this fearless work but would end up even more wired than before.
This was when I realized the necessity of self-kindness and compassion.
Not everything is to be solved with fearlessness. Without softness, we are 1 to 1 with the darkest feelings and thoughts. Unprotected.
The soft power of self-compassion is like butter that can help us slide smoothly through the toughest journey periods. When courage is not available.
But self-kindness in itself is not a means to an end. Self-kindness can get us to the dead-end too.
I hope you see now the trickiness of the situation… :)
“So what can help me quit this paradox?” you may ask.
And I’ll answer – both courage and kindness. Inseparably.
Each moment is the window to both “tools“ - choose the one that is more available to you in that moment.
If you feel you can handle confronting your fears regardless of the outcome, go for it. On the other hand, if you feel you need to feel safe for a while - kindness it is.
That doesn’t mean that once you choose courage, you will have to keep using it forever. Likewise, when you choose kindness, that doesn’t mean that you can’t use some courage in the future.
Use it as if you would navigate in a dark and unfamiliar room: you know that you can slowly make a few steps forward to explore the ground, but you can also take a step back when you need comfort and support.
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But here are some pointers from my own journey (please, don’t make a rule out of it):
When we are on the peace side, begin to cling to that peace and think we must practice softness and kindness at all times, it could be a call for courage. Being ready to go out there and live your life as if you’ve never had insomnia.
When we think we must keep pushing and facing fears and cling to the idea of courage, maybe it is time for self-kindness.
The way is somewhere in between.
If you need individual support, consider booking a 1-1 call or a month of email-based dialogues with me. More info.
Cheers,
Ali
DISCLAIMER: Not medical advice. Everything in this newsletter and website represents personal opinion and experience and is provided for informational purposes only. The author is not a medical doctor, psychotherapist or any other licensed professional. Any information provided by the author does not constitute and/or substitute medical, psychotherapy, counselling or any other professional advice and treatment. It is not intended to treat, cure, diagnose any medical or psychological condition or disorder. Always seek professional licensed help if you have any health concerns.
I feel like I'm on the verge of getting over insomnia, but I can't seem to make regular sleep happen. I'll have a few normal sleep nights in a row then a night like last night, where I go to bed feeling pretty tired (around 11:15pm). But I'm awake until who-knows-when, struggling between tossing and turning and listening to a podcast to bide my time.
At some point last night I finally fell asleep, but I have no idea when that was since I took off my watch to keep from looking at it every hour.
I'm getting to the point where I wonder if it'd be best to NOT continue looking for the same validation and same ideas on letting sleep happen from all you awesome sleep coaches. Maybe I'm stuck in this never-ending insomnia cycle because I continue to read about letting sleep happen on its own--like my brain is on high alert since I'm still reading up on sleep.
Should I simply continue doing what I'm doing? Go to bed each night with no expectations on sleep. And if bad nights happen, let them go and continue on the same track? I'm not sure what else to do.