How to practice a "loving kick in the butt" more effortlessly and fearlessly

Hi guys,

My last letter "Two Types of Self-Kindness on the Recovery Journey" has received quite a lot of positive feedback. Thank you to all of you who reached out with your thoughts and kind words ❤️. It was slightly different from the messages I've shared before, as I introduced a type of self-kindness that includes a "loving kick in the butt."

I admit that I hadn't given this idea much attention earlier because "gentle kindness" was really needed for me on my path, especially towards the end to complete my journey, as an antidote to constantly imposing rules and "musts" on me. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can check out the previous letter.)

But there were moments on my journey when I deliberately went through discomfort, and I am glad I did!

So what is the loving kick that I am talking about? What if the idea of taking a step forward feels too scary, but at the same time, you feel like you no longer wish to be too comfortable?

I have a few thoughts that might help you ease into exploring this path.

Getting stuck in "not great, not terrible"

When we start feeling too comfortable to a point where it no longer feels helpful, it’s a great sign that we are ready for a change. But it can feel scary, I know.

👉 Let’s say you’ve been avoiding traveling for way too long, though you genuinely wish to go on a vacation somewhere far away.

👉 Or you’ve been feeling like your professional career needs an upgrade, but because of insomnia, you've always been putting it off - either by not applying for better positions or not accepting job opportunities.

👉 Or you’ve been postponing starting your project that you’ve been dreaming of.

👉 It actually doesn’t have to be anything big; it can be as mundane as being able to go out with friends for a late dinner, not fearing how it will impact your night, or scheduling an early morning appointment you’ve been avoiding.

We all know which areas of our lives have been paused for the sake of “better times.” But at some point, those postponements need to be opened up and reconsidered.

I’m not saying it has to be now or next month or in half a year – take as much time as you need. But at some point, the journey will mature to a stage where we feel stuck in a place of “meh” – “not great, not terrible,” which no longer will feel good.

If you feel that you are in that place, how to start making the first steps towards life when it feels so scary?

Expect that new choices will come with some fear

First, expect that when we start taking new bold steps forward, it will feel uncomfortable, and our “not great, not terrible” state might get more turbulent for some time, as if we went “backwards.” It’s expected.

It doesn’t mean we actually went back, neither does it mean that turbulence will happen for sure, but counting on that possibility can reduce the surprise element and excessive suffering if it happens, allowing us to ride that wave.

🙋‍♀️ From my recovery experience, every time I reintroduced an element of my pre-insomnia lifestyle, I always experienced some turbulence with my sleep and inner peace, for some time. Not forever. It included me consciously and readily entering what we would call a speedbump.

It was scary, and my brain was demanding safety and security, but at some point, I had to answer this question:

What’s worth more: an (illusionary) hope of not experiencing a sleepless night(s) at a cost of not living my life, or starting living how I want, even if it means that I “lose” sleep once in a while?

No judgment whatsoever if you’re choosing the first option! I did that too for quite some time! I needed to tend to my needs, and my usual life was “on hold” for some time. But at some point, it became more apparent that it was no longer my preferable choice, and that was a great time for those gentle kicks.

Ask yourself: why does it feel scary?

The second point that can help make these changes go easier is to investigate the resistance that arises when we think of taking a bold step forward.

🏖️

Why does taking a vacation feel scary? Perhaps it’s due to a subtle demand that if you DO go for vacation, you MUST absolutely enjoy it. You HAVE to make it exciting, and if you can’t sleep there, you can’t enjoy it.

But what if we lower that demand and actually allow ourselves to go on vacation, but also allow the possibility that we might not be super excited every single day?

Have you experienced a vacation before insomnia (or can you think of any “good sleeper“ going on a vacation) where you didn’t have fun there or it wasn’t as good as you expected? Why is it an obligation to enjoy a vacation? Can we still go on vacation and make it perfectly okay to feel, for instance, annoyed there?

It doesn’t mean that’s exactly what will happen, but we embrace that possibility in order to let go of pressure. We can remove the friction by reducing our demands on how our vacation has to go, and thus make the step of taking a vacation not as scary as it used to be – because we realize that we have more freedom within our selected path.

💼

We can think of any other step that feels scary, like starting a new job or asking for a raise if we feel like we deserve one. What feels scary about that? What “should“ keeps us away from taking that step?

Maybe it is the idea that we absolutely HAVE TO succeed and meet all of the expectations of our boss if we get that job. That we have no right to be “lame“ or make mistakes. When looking at this step through such a demanding lens, no wonder we are very scared to take it. Because what if I don’t sleep well and I will get criticized or even fired? That’s unacceptable!

But what if even that was okay? What if it was okay to suck at the new job or even get fired? We can ease the pressure by lowering demands on ourselves, which paradoxically helps us become more productive and helpful.

And let me tell you this: a lot of people worry about not doing their job well due to insomnia, and yet in reality they are actually successful! More successful than they think they are! Bosses love them, they receive promotion offers, or positive feedback. And even if things don’t go so well – does sleeping well ensure that we are never going to make a mistake or get fired? Absolutely not! Lots of things aren’t in our control, including the decisions others make about us. Yet, we are not less worthy of love and peace despite what happens.

In conclusion…

When we contemplate taking a new step and encounter resistance, two things that we can do:

A) Ask ourselves: “Do I actually want to make this step? Is this my genuine desire, or is this something I feel like I “should” do?” The truth is, you don’t have to start traveling just to prove something to yourself. If this isn’t your genuine desire right now, you don’t have to force yourself to do it. Perhaps there are other things that excite you more now.

B) Realize that you might be holding onto some “should” or “must” that makes you feel like your hands are tied if you choose to take the step. Taking steps toward living our lives as we want doesn’t have to come with a bunch of rigid requirements! YOU get to choose to what extent, quality, and capacity you want to do that! You can decide the rules for your “exposures”! If the idea of going on vacation and allowing yourself to not enjoy it removes the barrier, it’s great! It’s what actually can make it more likely that you’ll enjoy it without forcing yourself! And even if that doesn’t happen – you still chose life over insomnia, and it’s a huge thing!

Thanks for reading up to this point ❤️ I genuinely hope this helped you feel a bit less pressured and maybe a bit more empowered to take ownership of your life’s choices – because you are authoring your own recovery journey, and you can decide what it looks like for you!

Let me know your thoughts and feedback, and I’ll see you next time!

Take care 🤗

Alina