This sleep letter really rings close to me. Even though I was doing better for a good while, recently was again pretty rough.
I think my main issue with insomnia has mostly to do with self monitoring thoughts about sleep at night. They are like obsessive thoughts that keep coming. I don't know anymore if they keep coming or I just provoke them in a self-destructive or obsessive-compulsive way. I'm constantly like "Am i falling asleep?" or not even that .. just an aknowledgement about falling asleep that disrupts my falling asleep. When they come I don't neceseraly feel any anxiety, just frustration.
You say that thoughts are automatic and we can't control them. But what if some are not? For example I can choose to create some thoughts like, if I want to think of an elephant I can, or I can think of red and switch it to blue. I feel like these are under my control, isn't it so ?
It's like during the night at some points, the thoughts about falling asleep sometimes aren't involuntary, sometimes I think of them just like I can think about an elephant, and that doesn't help me sleep.
I am still fearful of not sleeping and I am not yet accepting my insomnia , so there is still some sort of battle in my mind probably - maybe this is why I have these thoughts ?
That's a good observation Dragos. I will share the way I see and experienced this and you will see if it makes sense or not personally for you.
You know, even the conscious thoughts get some source which we can't trace. For instance, the decision to think about the elephant, came as a response to this letter. It didn't come to you five minutes before you read it. But why did you pick elephant as an example? Why not some other animal? Now if I would tell you forget about the elephant, would that stop thoughts about elephant? :)
The brain sees the new information and the problem-solving mechanism begins to work, producing theories, finding solutions, proving, disproving. It seems like we create each thought individually, but then see how they come with no effort. Because this happens so quickly, it seems like we are in control but the brain's mechanism is just that fast! I'm gonna give you two examples:
Imagine you walk on the dark street when the brain detects a black silhouette walking behind you. In no time you begin to feel alert - that's automatic, based on the input. Now as you keep walking you begin to think about possible scenarios and solutions: "I need to turn to some well lit and public area", "I need to check if my phone is charged so that I can call police", "I can use my keys if I need to defend myself" - these ideas come so naturally, that it seems like we created them, but in reality the brain just delivered a number of possible solutions, some of them might actually work!
Or another case is when you suddenly remember it's your friends birthday. Where did that come from? :)
Same happens when we solve some complex mathematical problems - the task is given and the solving mechanism starts generating thoughts.
In many cases that problem-solving thought machine is great, because it can really serve us by how fast and effortless it is. But when it gets confused about the fear object, it will do exactly the same what it would do as if you meet a stranger on the dark street.
But I would say, you don't need to read into every detail of this thought thing and try to prove yourself something that doesn't make sense. That's irrelevant to the journey in my opinion. Most important is that no thought or an absence of it can "work" on sleep. Sleep is a separate "entity" that isn't launched by a certain mind process. It may be delayed by hyperarousal but even hyperarosual can't hold the sleep drive for a long time. So with sleep thoughts or not, sleep is unavoidable. It will happen without asking , the trick is that we can't possibly predict when and how that happens...
It does make more sense now that even the 'conscious' thoughts are sort of automatic. I am sort of new to the idea of us not actually 'being' our thoughts, but rather the observer behind them and sometime things can get confusing.
But yes - just as you said, the problem is not the thoughts themseles, but the response to them.
Re-reading the sleep letter again now, everything makes alot more sense.
Hey Alina,
This sleep letter really rings close to me. Even though I was doing better for a good while, recently was again pretty rough.
I think my main issue with insomnia has mostly to do with self monitoring thoughts about sleep at night. They are like obsessive thoughts that keep coming. I don't know anymore if they keep coming or I just provoke them in a self-destructive or obsessive-compulsive way. I'm constantly like "Am i falling asleep?" or not even that .. just an aknowledgement about falling asleep that disrupts my falling asleep. When they come I don't neceseraly feel any anxiety, just frustration.
You say that thoughts are automatic and we can't control them. But what if some are not? For example I can choose to create some thoughts like, if I want to think of an elephant I can, or I can think of red and switch it to blue. I feel like these are under my control, isn't it so ?
It's like during the night at some points, the thoughts about falling asleep sometimes aren't involuntary, sometimes I think of them just like I can think about an elephant, and that doesn't help me sleep.
I am still fearful of not sleeping and I am not yet accepting my insomnia , so there is still some sort of battle in my mind probably - maybe this is why I have these thoughts ?
That's a good observation Dragos. I will share the way I see and experienced this and you will see if it makes sense or not personally for you.
You know, even the conscious thoughts get some source which we can't trace. For instance, the decision to think about the elephant, came as a response to this letter. It didn't come to you five minutes before you read it. But why did you pick elephant as an example? Why not some other animal? Now if I would tell you forget about the elephant, would that stop thoughts about elephant? :)
The brain sees the new information and the problem-solving mechanism begins to work, producing theories, finding solutions, proving, disproving. It seems like we create each thought individually, but then see how they come with no effort. Because this happens so quickly, it seems like we are in control but the brain's mechanism is just that fast! I'm gonna give you two examples:
Imagine you walk on the dark street when the brain detects a black silhouette walking behind you. In no time you begin to feel alert - that's automatic, based on the input. Now as you keep walking you begin to think about possible scenarios and solutions: "I need to turn to some well lit and public area", "I need to check if my phone is charged so that I can call police", "I can use my keys if I need to defend myself" - these ideas come so naturally, that it seems like we created them, but in reality the brain just delivered a number of possible solutions, some of them might actually work!
Or another case is when you suddenly remember it's your friends birthday. Where did that come from? :)
Same happens when we solve some complex mathematical problems - the task is given and the solving mechanism starts generating thoughts.
In many cases that problem-solving thought machine is great, because it can really serve us by how fast and effortless it is. But when it gets confused about the fear object, it will do exactly the same what it would do as if you meet a stranger on the dark street.
But I would say, you don't need to read into every detail of this thought thing and try to prove yourself something that doesn't make sense. That's irrelevant to the journey in my opinion. Most important is that no thought or an absence of it can "work" on sleep. Sleep is a separate "entity" that isn't launched by a certain mind process. It may be delayed by hyperarousal but even hyperarosual can't hold the sleep drive for a long time. So with sleep thoughts or not, sleep is unavoidable. It will happen without asking , the trick is that we can't possibly predict when and how that happens...
Thank you Alina for sharing your view on this !
It does make more sense now that even the 'conscious' thoughts are sort of automatic. I am sort of new to the idea of us not actually 'being' our thoughts, but rather the observer behind them and sometime things can get confusing.
But yes - just as you said, the problem is not the thoughts themseles, but the response to them.
Re-reading the sleep letter again now, everything makes alot more sense.