To get up or stay in bed 🤔

Hi friend, it’s been a while since my last letter. I hope you are doing well ❤️

There is a dilemma most of us who have ever struggled with insomnia know: what the heck should I do when I can’t sleep?

Those of you who have been following me for a long time already know that trying hard to fall back asleep isn’t the answer. Sleep efforts only add more pressure and make us more afraid of wakefulness, which perpetuates the cycle. We want to go in the opposite direction – show ourselves that wakefulness isn’t our enemy and it’s certainly not out to get us. Thus, befriending wakefulness is a useful principle.

But if not sleep efforts, how should one approach their nighttime? Should we leave our bed? Should we stay in bed? These are the questions that puzzled many people, including myself during my days of struggle!

I will admit—most of my sleepless nights, I had no idea what exactly I wanted to do. It was more of an improvisation. And I think it’s absolutely okay that you might not have a clear answer for yourself either!

Whatever variant you can think of—leaving bed to watch TV, going painting in your garage, taking a walk around the house, playing video games, reading a book in bed, listening to a podcast, working on a project, staying in bed and not doing anything at all, etc.—all of these options are allowed, and there is no universal rule that says you can’t do something.

It will take time and some experimentation to find your way to befriend wakefulness. No one really knows how to approach it at first. It’s likely that you are going to go through all sorts of activities which you can think of, and you might notice that:

👉 Some of them won’t stick at all, and that’s fine;
👉 Some won’t stick now but will stick later;
👉 Others might feel right in the beginning, but then your preferences may change.

By following the breadcrumbs of comfort, ease, pleasure, we can slowly get to know ourselves, which makes it easier to embrace any outcome of the night because we know what kind of support is most helpful to us.

We are not limited in our choices

Here is how to turn things around: instead of looking at wakefulness as something we are stuck with and need to escape, we can think of it as an extra time resource we are given when we can do whatever we want. It’s our time—the time when we don’t have any responsibilities, obligations, or rules. So, how can we use it to our benefit?

It’s alright if the first answer that comes to our mind is, “I want to spend this time sleeping!” This desire is totally understandable, and there is nothing wrong with it. However, despite having that desire, we still can’t force ourselves to sleep. Sleep is something that happens to us, not something that we do. It’s okay to take our desire on board and keep looking for the next best alternative that is in our hands.

"It would certainly be great if sleep came more smoothly, but there's no way I can guarantee that. What I can do, however, is choose how to spend the time before that happens."

So when approaching nighttime activities, we can keep in mind a few things:

👉 Expect that we might not always know exactly what we want to do, and that’s alright. We can choose something that remotely resembles our preference—that’s a starting point, and from there, things can get clearer and clearer.

👉 It’s okay to ditch an activity if it no longer feels “fun.” We don’t have to keep watching TV if we no longer find it pleasant. We can change our minds throughout the night—multiple times!

👉 It doesn’t matter where we are—we can do stuff in bed too. Leaving bed is an option, but not an obligation.

👉 We can return to bed at any point. And no, we don’t need to wait until we are super sleepy to “deserve” going to bed. Even feeling like lying down is a good enough reason to go to bed—remember, it’s all about your comfort and pleasure. We want to see nighttime in a different, more friendly light!

👉 Make it about rest, not sleep. We do things without insistence that sleep must follow. If sleep happens—great; if not, that’s still alright. We can focus on resting because it’s another worthy alternative that may include, but is not limited to, sleep.

👉 We can do all of that even if we experience anxiety or any other emotion. The purpose of befriending wakefulness isn’t to get rid of anxiety. Anxiety can come along for the ride. Instead of trying not to get anxious, we can befriend wakefulness with anxiety in it—that’s the key to overcoming the fear long-term. In the short term, anxiety is expected.

I hope this letter has brought you clarity ❤️

I’ll see you next time!

Ali