Which level of control are you stuck in?
Hi friend,
This letter is here to offer some clarity for those moments when we feel stuck in our recovery journey but can’t quite figure out why.
Sometimes, people share thoughts like these:
👉 “I’m doing everything as I’m told to, but I still struggle with sleep. I get myself into a calm state, yet I can’t sleep – what’s going on?”
👉 “I try to remain calm, but I still feel terrified every single night. Even if I do sleep, the moment I wake up, the fear is right back.”
👉 “I’m getting some sleep, and I don’t fear wakefulness anymore. I feel calmer, I enjoy my days, but my sleep still doesn’t feel the way it used to. I don’t know what’s stalling my recovery.”
At first glance, these experiences may seem different, but they all have one thing in common – the desire for control. The only difference is which aspect we're trying to control.
Before I get to the core message, I just want to say – I’ve been through all three of these situations myself. If any of this resonates with you, please know that it’s completely okay ❤️.
Now, let’s take a closer look at the three levels of control that can keep us stuck:
Level 1: Controlling the circumstances
(“I try to accept wakefulness, but I didn’t sleep anyway.”)
Here, we’re focused on controlling the night’s outcome – how much we sleep, how many awakenings we have, even how productive we are the next day, or how we look after a rough night. At this level, we’re still measuring success based on external factors which we can’t always change.
💡 If you notice frustration around how much sleep you’re getting versus how much you think you should be getting, this may be where you’re stuck. Learning more about how sleep and insomnia work can help ease the fear of wakefulness itself and loosen the grip on sleep as a performance.
🔗 Paradoxical solution to insomnia
🔗 Fear of not sleeping ever again
🔗 How to practice "befriending wakefulness"
Level 2: Controlling our feelings about the circumstances
(“I try to stay calm, but I spiral into panic at night.”)
At this level, we may have accepted that wakefulness happens – but we struggle with how we feel about it. We might not fear wakefulness itself as much anymore, but we deeply dislike the anxiety, frustration, or discomfort that comes with it.
💡 If you find yourself blaming yourself for feeling anxious or upset, you might be trying to control your emotions. Here, it can be helpful to remember that emotions are not enemies – they are just signals, and they are harmless. Learning to allow emotions to arise without resistance can bring a sense of ease.
🔗 It's about receiving the signal
Level 3: Controlling the recovery process itself
(“I’ve been doing this work for so long, but I’m not where I should be by now.”)
This is the meta-level of control – where we try to control how recovery unfolds. We may have an expectation that recovery should happen in a linear way, often based on someone else’s success story or our own idea of how long this should take.
💡 If you feel frustrated about your pace of recovery, you may not need to focus as much on befriending wakefulness, dropping sleep efforts or allowing emotions – most likely you’re great at this already! But you might instead benefit from loosening expectations and self-judgement about when things should change or how fast you should progress. Recovery happens on its own timeline, we can’t control that, and allowing it to unfold naturally can be very beneficial.
🔗 Don't do it for recovery, do it for yourself
🔗 How long recovery takes: my thoughts
These are just general observations, not rigid truths. I’m sure things are more nuanced and it’s possible to expand on so many things here! But if you’ve been feeling stuck, reflecting on which level of control resonates most with you may offer a new perspective and give an idea which way to go next.
Wherever you are in this journey, know that you’re not alone – and that real progress is happening, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
My best wishes to you ❤️
Alina